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Thoughts Unwritten [Sep. 6th, 2006|10:17 pm]
The Cauldron


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Title: Thoughts Unwritten 1/1
Fandom: Harry Potter
Character: Lily PoV
Rating: All
Beta: ohshocking
Summary: A Lily PoV fic, set after the argument in 'Snape's Worst Memories', Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me.

I ran my fingers frustratedly through my hair. Dammit, this is why I should never write things down. I’m bound to loose them. My Mum was always going on about writing things in a journal to help her think things through. So after this morning’s disastrous argument with James I wrote down everything, how he makes me so mad, picking on anyone he deems lesser than him, and why the hell he found the need to defend me, or repeatedly ask me out. If someone finds that piece of paper… The thought trails off, too horrific to finish. I don’t like people knowing the inner workings of my mind. It gives them too much leverage in an argument. I sigh heavily, giving up for the mean time, I’ve probably just hidden it somewhere safe, I think morosely, if that’s the case I’ll never find it.

I make my way down to the great hall, dinner has almost finished and there are only a few stragglers left. I notice the Marauders at one end of the Gryffindor table. I make my way down to the furthest point away from them. I’m not in the mood for another row. Not today. Today I received another letter from my parents, gushing over a proposed early retirement to Florida. I know why they wrote to me. Petunia hates the idea, is loathed to think of them so far away. To be honest I don’t want them that far away either, but I encourage the idea. At least on the other side of the world they will be safe, I tell myself. News of the rise of a dark power is spreading.

You hear horrible things, the newspapers reporting a spattering of killings, all muggle-borns. Pure bloods are speaking out against the ‘spreading plague’, I think one described us. I always realised that there was some mal-feeling, the dark looks I would receive in the corridors. But since Molly, the Gryffindor prefect that helped me settle into Hogwarts, was a pure blood and one of the most wonderful people I know, she shaped my ideas of the wizarding elite, not those throwing the evil looks my way. Molly’s boyfriend Arthur, was incessantly interested in muggles, always delighting in the things I bought back from the holidays, They were in their seventh year when I was in my first, that Christmas I gave Arthur a plug, Molly spent a good deal of the day complaining bitterly to me, as he liked my present above hers. I still keep in touch with them. Their second child is due this June. Such wonderful people formed my ideas of the wizarding world, only to have it marred by gits like Malfoy and Snape.

I can feel myself frown as my mind goes back to yesterday, I can see Snape’s point of view, no one likes to need the help of others, but there was no need to be so rude to me. I glower at my plate. I wouldn’t have interfered except that I can’t stand to see bullying, I saw Remus doing nothing about it, a fellow prefect for crying out loud! And I just stormed over. Maybe I should have listened to Maddie. As soon as she realised what I was about to do she told me to let them get on with it, duel it out. But I can’t just stand back and let that sort of thing happen. James and his friends are the worst kind of bullies, they don’t do it out of cowardice but simply because they can. They are not naturally malicious, so you can not blame it on that. But making people feel horrific, just because they are bored. It’s appalling.

Up until that point I thought my day was going rather well. I was talking to a group of girls in my year; we were just chatting, useless non-important things. I was beginning to feel like I fitted in. At Hogwarts I’ve always found it hard to make friends, I don’t trust people easily. I used to be fine, talking easily with anyone, before I got my Hogwarts letter. Then Petunia turned on me, and I think to have someone so close do that, it shook my confidence, and my character judgement. I began to question why people wanted to talk to me, often I think it’s just for homework help. I may be quite useless at transfiguration but I’m top or close to top in my other subjects. I shake my head again. I’m not going to go there again, I tell myself sternly.

In third year I made two firm friends, Madeline and Fenella. They have the same confused identity as I do, unable to decide which world they belong in. Though neither is completely muggle-born like me, they each have a muggle parent. Fenella’s Father was a muggle, and her Mother a witch. He had known all along what she was, and was thrilled to embrace the wizarding world. Maddie, had it rather harder, when her Mum found out about her Dad being a wizard she just upped and left them both. After that her Dad renounced the wizarding world, and moved to a remote village in Ireland. He was horrified when Maddie got her Hogwarts letter, but decided to let her make her own decision. At least my parents love the idea of having a witch as a daughter, even if they don’t know the danger I’m putting them in, just by existing.

Anyway, I was getting good at talking with other people again, just mindless chatter. I now have several people that I would call friends. Not best friends like Maddie and Fenella, but friends all the same. I have people to sit with in class, and every so often I find myself taking this state of affairs for granted. It took me five years to get to this stage, and I’m beginning to wonder what would happen, if I lost them. That’s why I made my decision; I’ve picked the wizarding world. I realised long ago I couldn’t have both worlds, they’re just too different.

I love Hogwarts, it’s worth all the friends and family I’ve lost becoming a witch. I’ve made much better friends, and I love being able to do magic. Which is why I’m not going to let jerks like James Potter ruin my day, I tell myself sternly. I will stop obsessing about my lost piece of paper. Now as long as it doesn’t turn up in the hands of one of the Marauders, it will be fine… I think I’ll just go and see if Maddie’s found it…